Wednesday, December 10, 2008

in the end

even though we've faught so many times but one thing for sure i know that i love this man till the end of time and i want to keep him forever. he makes me mad even in the simplest thing ever and he makes me mad for somthing big but still i keep on loving him cuz i believe he is a good man and a good boyfriend and he will change. im learning, waiting and be patience that if he is like that then i need to accept him who he is, and i'll wait for him if he needs time to be alone and i learned that i need to be patience for him to grow up and be a little bit mature. as much as i think he is the one who need to grow up, i need to grow up too. but to be honest i dunno how long i can be this sensible. im being sensible right now cuz he is not here with me and im missing him so much but when he is with me again i doubt that i still have that sensibility. i hope i'l still have it. the problem is not entirely his fault. a part of it is my own fault. however im feeling this ego inside me to admit it and when i do i still think it is not my fault altho a part of it is. then i would start feeling geram and bengang and marah and benci but at the same time i miss him and i love him so much. i want him now but i dont want him now but i want him. thats what im feeling. pretty psyche huh? i hate him so much yes i do. i hate him for taking a break. its ridiculous! its bullshit! my mind says it is a good idea but my heart n my mouth says HELL NO. im a feeller not a thinker.

one thing im affraid is that im so affraid once he has heard my voice and get full response from me, he would less texting me and call me or see me cuz he knew that i already forgive him and he would think there are no more problem so he should focus on somehting else. im really really AFFRAID of that. and i benci sgt if it happens again. when that happens im the one who will always text him first or call him so many times. then i will start to membebel and then we will going to have a fight again. i just wish after this break he will stil text or call me like always.

since penang,ive learned so much from my girls and they have been really helpfull. plan A ive learned to that i need to be patience and understanding. and Plan B ive learned that i need to be patience and wait. i'll wait. i'll wait..for u. again. as much as i really HATE waiting even the word itself to me is very annoying and sickening but i know to make this relationship works out i must wait. for him. i dont know for how long but im going to try. try really really HARD.

because i cant look at any other man without thinking about him. i miss his smile his hair his hands his broad shoulder his jokes but mostly i miss his voice and the way he looked at me and hold my hands as if he would never let me go and keep me forever in his arm. in the end, no matter how many times we fight, i still love him and love him and love him and love him.

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